Parting soliloquy

Durdana Bhat

Photo: Durdana Bhat

“I fear you will come to bad end, very bad end.”

These were the words, I heard…

I was a formless thought, always finding depths. But I am afraid that this dull and bright life has a middle thing that always dances in the flames. These flames take me there, where I intend to live, but to live within myself.

Here: I am waiting to live and waiting to die. However, I have nothing to declare here. You know, it is hard to sleep in the middle of the life. Enough said! I should have grown mature enough. So as not to wonder at anything, anymore.

Remnant:

Someone said to me, “Draw lines, colour life. I tell you, it is permitted!”

If you will allow it, it is freedom—and, the river will follow you. And, you know other thing: you can stand in the stream, even if, it is raining you down. Fill the gaps in your soul with the joy. Take time to look in mirror and view yourself…”

Oh, shut up!

You are telling me to adore the fainted details. Don’t try to fool embracing lonely people. I am not standing here for some empty freedom.

Do you know? It is impossible for me to sleep! I am plagued by my dreams, dismantled almost.

“Now, are you done with saying?”

No, I am never done with it, until, I get my answers.

“Tell me, how many days have gone silently by?”

Silence? It never occupied me. I am always diligent with talking about world, this life, and after life.

And I came to realize, this life had made me the weakest.

“Why are you afraid?”

Well, I always unlatched the shutters—and fill it, with those, who are adjacent to me. However, this world is full of enemies. Leave it! I have no wish to explain this any further to you. I have stopped writing regarding about myself.

Anyways, I was blinded. I have always kept my feeling to myself—because, I could find no language to describe them. And this was the reason at times I was cold, thoughtless and hard to understand.

“Who are you? Do you remember anything?”

A bit, I remember. This is not my end.

(Studying Journalism at Srinagar’s Women College, Durdana Bhat is KL internee)

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