Mothers are a girl’s first best friend, and the love of a mother is regarded as the greatest example of affection. Nonetheless, when daughters have to grow up without their mothers, it can create some of the most painful moments in life, reports Babra Wani
At age seven, Adeeba (name changed) was faced with the weight of adulthood, becoming the caretaker of her household. With one parent already gone and a younger brother who was only four, Adeeba took it upon herself to look after her family.
Her mother battled cancer for nearly three years before passing away, leaving both Adeeba and her brother as maternal orphans. The burden was heavier on Adeeba, with needs that only her mother could fulfil.
When Adeeba was in the second grade, her mother’s health began to decline. Sadly, by the time Adeeba reached fourth grade, her mother passed away, leaving behind her younger brother, who had not yet started school. With immense strength and maturity beyond her years, Adeeba took on the responsibility of being a mother figure to her little sibling, offering unwavering love and support.
Memories of the day her mother passed away flood Adeeba’s mind every time she recollects that bad day. “While I was taking my class four final examination, I was called to the school office out of the blue. It was surprising since I had never been given half-day leave before,” she said. “Yet, deep down, I had a feeling that my mother’s health was in jeopardy. As I reached home, the sight before me sent shivers down my spine – my mother had left this world.”
Personality Shift
The tragedy had a profound impact on her personality, “The loss triggered a significant transformation in me. I went from being a carefree, docile, and calm child to becoming someone who easily loses her temper,” she explain the change in her, soon after her mother’s demise. “Minor issues can make me lose my composure and patience, leading to bursts of anger.”
Admitting “substantial changes in my personality”, she believes the shift is because “I have become more defensive, lacking the presence of my mother by my side to protect and support me.”
Now, almost a decade later, the absence of her mother continues to be a challenging reality. “Initially our relatives tried to help us, especially her brother, but ultimately, it was just us,” Adeeba shared. “So, we decided to remarry our father.”
When Adeeba experienced her first menstruation, she sought guidance from her stepmother. “While my stepmother is very caring, there are certain things I find hard to share with her,” Adeeba confided. “There are aspects of life I wish I could have discussed and learned from my mother. I have had to make many sacrifices and compromises that I might not have made if my mother was alive.”
The stepmother was kind and accepting of them. “She never lets us feel that we are not her children. She tries her best to meet all of our needs,” she admitted. But the loss of her mother created a void that could not be filled, making her journey to adulthood much more demanding and poignant.
Forlorn Firdousa
Forty-five-year-old Firdousa, a resident of South Kashmir’s Batakoot, lost her mother when she was eight. But the memory of that heart-breaking day remains vivid.
“My mother collapsed suddenly while feeding my brother,” Firdousa said. “Our entire world crumbled, and I did not know what to do. I witnessed my father’s grief, but I was unsure how to grieve myself. I took my younger brother in my arms, realising that he would be my responsibility now.”
Firdousa stepped up to the challenge of caring for her younger siblings. She helped her father with their daily needs, and she also took on the responsibility of cooking and cleaning. Her mother’s death forced her to give up her aspirations and dreams. She had to stop studying and focus on taking care of the family and home full-time.
“It was not easy,” Firdousa said. “I was just a child, but I knew that I had to be strong for my brothers. I did not want them to go through the same pain that I was feeling.”
Her mother’s death was due to tuberculosis at the age of twenty-four. She had been receiving treatment at Chest Disease Hospital in Srinagar. However, despite best efforts, her condition deteriorated with each passing day.
“My mother was married at a very young age and didn’t get many years to live,” she reflected on her mother’s shortened life.
Firdousa, herself a mother now, continues to feel the irreplaceable void left by her mother’s death. “It gets exhausting,” she said. “I still have to care for my brothers, even after they got married and had children of their own.”
The absence of her mother was deeply felt when she became pregnant and had no one to turn to for advice and support. “Although I am grateful that my pregnancy was an easy one, I still longed for a mother’s presence,” she shared.
Although Firdousa’s father remarried for the sake of his children, the marriage didn’t last long as the stepmother treated the young children poorly. “So, my father chose to divorce her and vowed to take care of us on his own,” Firdousa recounted.
Even when her stepmother was around, it was Firdousa who shouldered most of the responsibilities and looked after things.
Nuha’s Nadir
When Nuha (name changed), a resident of the Srinagar’s Shehr-e-Khas, was just a fifth grader, her mother passed away due to a rare brain condition. The doctors informed the family that “this particular condition only affects around 10 per cent of people.” Her mother was admitted to SKIMS (Sher-i-Kashmir Institute of Medical Sciences) but unfortunately, she remained in a coma for a month “before passing away.”
Nuha, the youngest of two siblings, lived in a joint family setup. Immediately after her mother’s passing, her aunt stepped up and moved into their house to take care of them.
While Nuha acknowledged that her aunt’s presence has been beneficial, she expressed that a mother’s love and guidance cannot be replaced, “no matter what.”
“Though everything is normal because of my aunt, I feel we cannot share our feelings openly,” she asserted.
Before her mother passed away, Nuha’s mother had already told her about menstruation. She later turned to her cousin for help in managing her periods.
“I think,” Nuha mentioned, emphasising that regardless of the circumstances, “a girl always needs her mother, as there are certain conversations and connections that can only happen with one’s mother.”
Maheen’s Misery
For another Srinagar resident, Maheen, losing her mother was nothing short of a bizarre experience. Maheen and her brother were born with some impairments in speech and hearing, making her heavily reliant on her mother. Her mother was her source of strength and resilience.
“When my mother was alive, there were certain things I didn’t have to do, but after her passing, I have learned to do almost everything on my own,” she said. “Despite trying to become more independent, I still need my mother.”
For Maheen, managing both the household and work becomes exceptionally demanding. She expressed her profound longing for her mother’s presence, saying, “I miss her all the time.”
To cope with her situation, she relies on many medicines. She believes that if she doesn’t handle everything, “no one else will take care of the household chores”.
Unfortunately, the added responsibilities have forced Maheen to sacrifice many opportunities and hobbies. “I often feel my mother’s presence around me – giving me the strength to handle everything.”
During her examinations, the burden escalates further as she must juggle cooking, washing, and studying simultaneously, all the while yearning for the ease and support her mother’s presence used to provide.
Inconsolable Insha
Insha, 26, faced a challenging journey when she had to take on the role of a caregiver in her household at a young age. Despite being too young to fully comprehend the situation, she could see her mother’s health deteriorating significantly. By the time Insha was in the tenth grade, her mother’s condition worsened, leading to kidney failure and hospitalisation.
Sadly, her mother slipped into a coma before passing away in October 2015.
Her mother’s illness forced her to put her education on hold, as she faced daunting challenges in maintaining her studies while shouldering responsibilities at home.
Insha also recounted distressing experiences at the hospital while accompanying her mother, where she had to endure harassment and uncomfortable attention.
“My mother was my only pillar of strength, and her death was a devastating blow. I found it hard to accept her passing, even experiencing denial during her funeral,” she revealed.
“My father stepped up to take care of me and despite the difficulties, I am grateful for my father’s efforts in ensuring my well-being.”
She viewed her mother as her best friend, and she believes that no one can ever truly fill the emptiness left behind by her absence. “My mother catered to all of my needs, and I had no support except for my father.”
“There are countless moments when I think, ‘If my mother were alive, I would be a different person, with better communication skills,'” she added. “My mother had immense patience and was always open to meaningful conversations. She instilled faith and great values in me.”
She fondly recalled the last poignant conversation she had with her mother in the hospital room. “She was in a lot of pain, and we were all crying. I tried to feed her some juice, but she insisted that I drink it,” Insha remembers. “And that was our last interaction. We cherished memories of laughter and bonding during a fun-filled outing together.”
“People often sympathise because I do not have a mother,” she asserted, “but no one can’t truly empathise.”
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